I remember
being very young and noticing
I don't look like the others
and the agony of shopping
for new school clothes
not fitting anything cute
I'm shaped different
I remember
always being the slowest
the clumsy one in PE
and the school nurse
giving my family a lecture
on what I'm allowed to eat
I'm too big
I remember
the boys calling me a cow
when I was most aware of my flaws
and never taking my clothes off
in front of anyone
hiding in the bathroom to change
I'm shaped wrong
I remember
every advert screaming in my face
that I was not pretty, not right
not an hourglass but a soft belly
how could anyone love that
even myself
I'm too soft
I remember
looking at old pictures
and realising
I was never the fat girl
but I became the fat woman
with a lifetime of hatred to unlearn
I'm still too hard on myself
© coldscars